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Pinki Thinks photo PinkiDouble.gif

luminous daylight 
cools thoughts in shade
amid wide expanses 
of old photographs
yellow, faded, worn,
comfortably with time
Wrapped in recollection
thoughts are warm & thick
memorially textured 
with an intimacy 
only the memory
may entertain
soft are these lines 
drawn according to 
what I remember 
what I miss and 
how I long to feel

NOTE: As I was going through my archives of writings today, lo and behold, what should I come upon but this review I wrote for CD World’s newsletter (Now Called Skip’s Record & CD World) back before mp3’s and 13 years after the fact to the day. The novel coincidence was too much for me to ignore. As such, I decided to re-publish the review for nostalgia’s sake and you hardcore Sonic Youth fans out there who may be reading.  – Pinki Tuscaderro

Sonic Youth

Sonic Youth has once again, stretched the boundaries of electrified, modem music with their 2000 release NYC Ghosts & Flowers. The album sweeps into a strange melodic beginning, with Thurston Moore tweaking strings in such a manner that challenges the sonic ability of the typical electric guitar. The rest of the instruments slowly join in while subtle spacey effects fade in and out of the background. The sounds slowly build and level off as Thurston weaves his half-sung half-poetry recitation lyrics into the pool of wonders that is Free City Rhymes.

Another great track off the cd is the song Nevermind (What Was It Anyway). When I first heard this song I was not sure what to make of it, but it has continued to grow on me immensely. The song starts with an odd jangly rhythm that contrasts deeply with the meandering melody, yet it manages to. Pull the song together and give it more dimensions. Steve Shelley bursts into the mix with his chunky, staggering beat on the drums and Kim commences to taunt and question in her breathy, but commanding voice.

I would have to say the most intriguing track off the cd would have to be Lightnin. The band delves into the past and future with this piece, Kim pulls out the trumpet on this one and breaks into the synth fury of effects built up by the rest of the band in heavy spurts of sound reminiscent of Miles Davis during his more experimental phase but minus the funk side and plus a more dark edge. All in all,NYC Ghosts & Flowers is a puzzling treat if you are tired of all the verse chorus verse stuff being pumped out of the music industry by the crap load.

Now, if you happened to miss the show Sonic Youth put on at the Roseland on July 22 I can at least fill you in on the highlights of the evening. It was a packed house, though I do not think they sold the place out. I managed. To wedge myself somewhere in front of the stage closes enough to see the action. The band drifted onto the stage and immediately went into Teenage Riot from the album Daydream Nation. There was a brief false start due to something with Thurston’s guitar but they gave it a 2nd go and jammed the song through the roof. The crowd was excited and appreciative for this morsel from Sonic Youth’s store of songs as they wove the song into an extended version of the new Free City Rhymes. There were many fun surprises throughout the night and the band offered a glance at the extensive catalog of music they have managed to create over the years.

They played the rocking Kool Thing from the CD Goo with Kim Gordon taking a break from the bass and guitar, dancing about the stage freely, and indulging in the breathy growling lyrics that saturate this explosive song. Lee Ranaldo also did a song from the same cd called Mote though before starting he stated that for the evening the song would be Mode. That was the mystery of the night. Whatever you want to call it, this version was intense. Lee sang one other song, the haunting and foreboding NYC Ghosts & Flowers. This is an amazing song live; It started off soft and willowy but ended in a cacophony of noise that threatened to shatter the Roseland into a million pieces.

By the end of the show, rather than winding down, the crowd’s eagerness for music seemed only to intensify and Sonic Youth ended up doing two encores. The first song was the gem Bull in the heather from Experimental Jet Set, Trash, and No Star, following with and finishing off the night with a blissfully weird, winding version of Lightnin.

Sonic Youth at Portland’s Roseland Theater was an entirely different animal compared to the show I saw at Bumbershoot 1999, which was mostly experimental free form noise. Although there were already hints toward the current album with Kim spending much time exploring sounds with the trumpet and Thurston using strange props to extract unique noises from his guitar like a bike home, drum sticks and steel files. While polar opposite in content, both shows were equally intense, unpredictable, and memorable. It seems Sonic Youth never gets old. What will they do next?

Radical Acceptance Graphic by Rachel Gill

Are you an emotionally sensitive person or familiar with the following statements? “Don’t take it so personally! Just get over it! You shouldn’t let things bother you so much!” Do you wish you could let go of things that bother you but do not know how. If so, then read on.

In Dialectical Behavior Therapy, we learn a specific skill on how to go about “not taking things too personally.” We call it Radical Acceptance. What is Radical Acceptance, why is it useful, and how does it help one to “get over it?” The simple answer is. Pain + Non-acceptance = Suffering and likewise, acceptance is the entrance to change and the exit to suffering. To this end, Radical Acceptance is a way to change the way you think in order to change how you feel and therefore respond to stressful, emotionally arousing situations more effectively.

So how do you Practice Radical Acceptance? First, you have to be willing. That is you have to want to accept whatever it is that is causing you to suffer emotionally and that you cannot change. Then you commit to turn your mind toward accepting over and over again, noticing willfulness to resist acceptance (without necessarily judging yourself for it), and cultivating willingness to continue practicing Radical Acceptance even when you do not feel like it.

A few important things to know before you start practicing; first, Radical Acceptance is not a goal but a task. This is because people do not have the means to truly achieve Radical Acceptance; the human experience is a never-ending ebb and flow of thoughts, emotions, body sensations, learning and environmental contexts, ever changing, Therefore, so does the mind, which, depending on the quality of these factors, may or may not be favorable toward acceptance. Simply stated, just because you accepted something today does not mean you will accept it tomorrow.

Now, you may be thinking that Radical Acceptance is an easy enough concept to understand, there are, nonetheless, some important tips to follow that will reduce your frustration with practicing. a) Radical Acceptance sounds simple to do, but is actually quite hard to do b) Radical Acceptance is a task not a means to an end or instantaneous all-purpose solution. In other words, practice does not make perfect; practice makes improvement. c) Start with things that are less distressing which are easier to gain acceptance around rather than going for your biggest acceptance tasks first. It is easier for a person to Radically Accept another driver cutting him/her off in rush hour traffic than past trauma related to childhood abuse. d) Willingness to practice and recognizing one’s willful resistance toward practicing aids in building mastery of Radical Acceptance.

Now that you know the basics, I hope you try Radical Acceptance and let me know how it works for you.

Love, and kindness,   

Pinki Tuscaderro (aka Rachel Gill)

Many people have the misconception that mindfulness necessarily relates to religion or meditation. While this may be true in some cases, mindfulness, at its core, is quite simply a non-judgmental, sense of awareness one brings to everyday life. This One Moment: Skills for Everyday Mindfulness, created by the revolutionary psychologist Marsha Linehan, who developed dialectical behavior therapy for suicidal people, particularly those with borderline personality disorder and raised the bar for clinical psychology when she released her groundbreaking book Cognitive Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder, which brought together science and compassion to solve the mind, body, and spirit dilemma that has separated psychologists over the ages.


While specifically relevant to Linehan’s model for dialectical behavior therapy nonetheless is accessible and beneficial to anyone who may be interested in learning skills to reduce stress and improve his or her quality of life. Linehan teaches mindfulness in an easy straightforward manner that is accessible, practical, and useful in everyday life, highly recommended.


This video is one in a four part series, which includes:


In terms of metaphysical philosophy, that is, the human preoccupation with making sense of life, death, and the universe that holds its effects, one issue amazes to no end. While the modern philosophers were exceptionally skilled in formulating theories that explain metaphysics by the process of reason, the brilliant rationalist and empiricist philosophers such as Rene Descartes, Baruch Spinoza, Gottfried Leibniz, John Locke, George Berkeley, David Hume and Immanuel Kant, with all their prowess in deducing facts in terms that explain the paradox of human existence through processes of highly organized thought, succeed to alienate the critical quality of emotional experience, arguably the most primeval force moving humans to obsess over the meaning of life through metaphysics, mathematics, religion, industry, technology, art, music, duty, morality, justice, free will, right, wrong, good, bad, all the objective and subjective intrinsically contradictorily connected qualities that define the human experience and its relation to the universe.

Whether it is for cultural reasons, which at the time of the modern philosophers, mostly regarded emotionality as a sort of sentimental quality that no dignified man would succumb to or the undesirable opponent to the idealized polar value of emotional control that marks civility, reinforces stigma against emotional sensitivity, associates emotional expression outside the realms of the arts and entertainment mostly as unwelcome, inappropriate, or an indication of immaturity and/or lack of self-control and continues to exist today, the result, in essence, is that philosophers concerned with the questions of metaphysics manage to occlude a fundamental quality of humanity: emotion. In fact, were it considered it seems that, emotion may be found to be the missing link; the innate characteristic modern philosophers are wont to contemplate yet can never seem to explain, the ultimate force that connects the human mind to the material and immaterial world so profoundly that it may overwhelm the faculties of rationalist and empirical design.

Consider this. As a collective society, science has come to be the most persuasive means to explain, that which lacks understanding. Therefore, without observable evidence, science has mostly abandoned the idea of innate knowledge outside the rooting function often discussed in the context of infants and developmental psychology. This is unfortunate since there is, in fact, quite convincing evidence for innate knowledge. According to the dictionary, emotion is a, “mental state that arises spontaneously rather than through conscious effort and is often accompanied by physiological changes.” (“Emotion,” 2009) Therefore, is not emotion a sort of innate knowledge?

Emotionally influenced behavior is something humans know and begin to engage in from the moment of birth. Infants do not cry because they know that crying is an action that will necessarily lead them to the security and/or nourishment that the cold sensation of brisk air upon exposed skin and the growling impatience of a hungry stomach indicate to a more mature and aware mind that the body must seek fulfillment to thrive In many ways, crying with its communicative quality of emotion, is like a language that forcefully and fluently speaks with or without awareness of an educated mind. Babies speak through crying and parents understand the sound of the behavior, the vocalization, as a signal of distress. No teaching, no learning encourages this to happen, it simply is.

Furthermore, the vocalization that occurs with crying, although lacking the sophistication and diversity that comes with learning and cultural identity, nonetheless effectively communicates a message of distress that is clear if not more so than that of the learned more worldly child who is cold, hungry and in a distinctly inflected and refined but emotionally neutral voice tells his mother or father that he is cold, needs a warm jacket, is hungry and needs something to eat. This is not to say that emotion is an innate quality of intelligence in and of itself. However, it may be true that one may come to increase intelligence by embracing the elevated sense of awareness emotion produces in body and mind; perhaps, one may even come to realize a sense of connectedness to the universe or have a spiritual revelation.

Therefore, if emotions are, in fact, a means to communicate (and science agrees that they are) and this ability to communicate is with every person at the time of birth, then does that not mean emotion is a form of innate knowledge? Moreover, if it is true that emotions are a sort of innate quality preceding the educated mind capable of facilitating communication despite the obstacles of culture, education, gender, ethnicity, age, and religious beliefs, so that humans can come to understand each other and gather in communion to ponder the external influences of the physically perceived world and the immaterial wonder of the infinite cosmos, would not the question of emotional experience be at least of some importance to the cause of metaphysics?

Equally, emotion marries the division between rationalism and empiricism that creates the prophet with his rationalist foundations that furnish him with inconceivable knowledge of future events and the physicist with all her educated and devout faith in the ability of mathematical equations and empirical principles to answer all the metaphysical questions that plague the philosophizing mind.

To illustrate the weight and breadth of impact emotion impresses upon the mind and the body, contemplate the condition of a state of panic. The mind and body may interpret thoughts so that combined with the experience of emotion produces a state similar to that had the person panicking been running, full speed, through a hot and humid tropical jungle, producing a hot, sweaty sensation, increased heart rate, breathlessness even though the person may be standing motionless out of doors on a cold, snowy January night.

The senses, the environment, despite the emphatic importance placed upon them by modern philosophers can seem less extraordinary when one considers the power affect has upon the body and mind. This emotional condition of panic, defined by its intense combination of anxiety and fear demonstrates quite simply how the human experience of emotion can come to outweigh the influences of both reason and indefinable externally caused sensations. Furthermore, it may be this very omnipresent, unavoidable, and continuously evolving interplay of trickery and revelation transacted by emotional experience that drives metaphysics in the past to today, continuing to compel philosophers who listlessly pursue their rational explanations of higher power and a riposte that will satisfy the desperately human need to understand, to make sense of the meaning of life with all of its idyllic love and desolate suffering. There must be a reason, an explanation, a purpose that explains human existence, right?

It is an egregious offense, to alienate emotion, divide modern philosophy, perpetuate stigma against emotional sensitivity, and devalue sincere emotional expression today. Therefore, the wise do not dismiss emotion; for all its unpredictable volatility, what would life be without emotions, with no fear, love, grief, happiness, and sadness? Is not the overwhelming influence of emotion what drives us to sensory ecstasy, abstract excellence, psychology and other scientific pursuits? It may be true that the body and mind are amazing effects to behold; and so too is the power of emotion.


Emotion [Def. 1]. (2009). In The Free Dictionary. Retrieved May 24, 2013, from

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I have led a Peer DBT skills group on Facebook for several months now which is proving to be more rewarding than I could have ever expected, and after recently inquiring and finding that there is enough interest in participating in a more formal, experimental peer-led online DBT skills training group , I have decided that I am going to take the group to the next level and make it a proper DBT skills training group. Together we shall embark on something new in the world of mental health treatment … peer-delivered, no-cost, online, mental health services that will serve a need that far outweighs current access to DBT specialized care.

The program structure I am working on will adapt traditional DBT skills training only as much to use web technology, honor copyright protection laws, and orient the group structure toward peer leadership. What is more, to protect peer leaders and members from potential legal consequences, protect confidentiality and/or give permission for group data use in research, there will be a consent agreement specially created for group members

Rachel Gill (aka Pinki Tuscaderro)

Group Creator/Peer Advocate/Researcher

Peer-led online dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) skills training group: Program components

Peer-delivered DBT Skills Training Online Goals:

  • To develop a peer-oriented DBT skills group online delivery format
  • To provide access to no-cost, easily accessible DBT skills training services
  • To teach the four DBT skill sets training modules covering:
  1. core mindfulness skills
  2. interpersonal effectiveness skills
  3. emotion regulation skills
  4. distress tolerance skills
  • To refine skills in changing behavioral, emotional and thinking patterns associated with problems in living causing misery and distress
  • To create an environment that nurtures building a supportive community of empowered peers
  • To conduct scientific research and increase DBT’s evidence base

Components of Evidence Based Dialectical Behavior Therapy

  1. Weekly individual one hour sessions with licensed therapist (on average for 6-12 months)
  2. Weekly 2-hour skills training with licensed therapists (on average for 6-12 months)
  3. Groups and individual therapy sessions are in-person
  4. Therapists provide phone coaching for applying skills
  5. Therapists engage in regular case consultation

Components of Peer-led Online DBT Skills Training Group Research Project

  1. Individual therapy not provided, but seeking or maintaining individual therapy with a licensed therapist (whether trained in DBT or not) is highly recommended.
  2. Each session consists of a video to watch, a handout, a worksheet, and a worksheet discussion thread where each member will make a minimum of 1 post that refers to experience with completing worksheet and 1 post that replies to another member’s experience with homework post. Therefore, session is not necessarily linear and may be started/stopped according to group member’s preference.
  3. Group is online and group leaders and co-leaders are peers who have demonstrated mastery of DBT skills and leadership among peers. If it happens that a leader is a professionally licensed therapist, such leaders are not acting in their professional capacity, but simply as peers, that is, a person who is committed to learning, practicing, and teaching DBT skills for the benefit of all, not for profit. Therefore, such leaders (or members) hold no group authority over any other member and are not liable for their participation in DBT group as they are volunteers and not acting as therapists but peers. .
  4. Coaching will be provided to members either by posting a thread to the group or by private messaging or chat with group leaders (group administrators).
  5. Group leaders will regularly correspond by chat or private message for case consultation purposes

The group skills training will be administered via a combination of:

  • Videos that teach skills, introduce new material
  • handouts, worksheets, and diary card management provided in a single PDF Adobe Reader fillable workbook that corresponds to videos,
  • Homework discussion threads corresponding to videos/worksheets and moderated by group leaders
  • A minimum of 1 group leader per 10 group members who post responses a minimum of 10 times each per week.
  • skills coaching for members by forum post to all members or individually with a group leader via private chat or messaging
  • Group leader shall take part in case consultation on a weekly basis via chat or private messaging.
  • An open group format so people can join when they want and complete the modules at their own pace.
  • Those who complete the workbook and turn them in to a group leader for an evaluation will receive an honorary certificate of completion.
  • Whether a group leader, professional therapist, or not, all peers are created equally and shall act equally as peers not as licensed professionals.

If you are interested in participating, please sign up using the form below


I would like to make an important note about the myth that people who have borderline personality disorder (BPD) and attempt to commit suicide or otherwise harm themselves in response to fears of abandonment are somehow manipulative. I think this is a common misconception that helps maintain stigma toward persons with BPD and likewise prevents loved ones who might otherwise be supportive from acting in ways that are empathic, assertive, firm but kind, and where setting clear boundaries based upon facts over feelings would serve a better purpose. Now you may think it counterintuitive to think that suicidal threats are not manipulative. However, I think it is extremely important that we understand the differences between feelings associated with another’s suicidal behavior, the intention of another’s behavior, and the reinforcing factors that prompt another’s behavior, which, it seems, are rarely if ever the same thing.

The 2 following paragraphs by Marsha Linehan, BPD’s foremost expert and originator of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), an evidence based treatment for BPD, suicidal behavior, eating disorders, and other mental health problems aim to lend credibility to my argument,. The first paragraph is from Marsha Linehan’s treatment manual for BPD and addresses the question of suicidal behavior as a form of manipulation, specifically. The 2nd paragraph is from a 32 article issue, Borderline Personality Disorder, that provides an overview of what BPD is and how DBT works to replace dysfunctional behavior with effective behavior through a delicate balance of accepting the person with BPD as he or she is, emotions and all, in order to activate change. Finally, I will restate the information in terms of my argument as simply and factually as possible. Please note that I added the bracketed words to speak to a broader audience not to change the meaning of the content. So, without further due, here’s Marsha.

Unfortunately, the instrumental character of suicide threats and parasuicide is frequently the most salient [prominent] one for therapists and theorists [and anyone] working with borderline individuals. Thus, suicide attempts and other intentional self injurious behaviors are often referred to as “manipulative.” The basis of this reference is usually a therapist’s [Loved one’s or other observer’s] own feeling of being manipulated” … “however, it is a logical error to assume that if a behavior has a particular effect, the actor has therefore engaged in the behavior in order to bring about the effect. The labeling of suicidal behavior as manipulative, in the absence of an assessment of the actual intent of the behavior, can have extremely deleterious effects. (Linehan, 1993 p. 61)

DBT assumes the problems of BPD individuals are twofold. First, they do not have many very important capabilities, including sufficient interpersonal skills, emotional and self regulation capacities (including the ability to self regulate biological systems) and the ability to tolerate distress. Second, personal and environmental factors block coping skills and interfere with self regulation abilities the individual does have, often reinforce maladaptive behavioral patterns, and punish improved adaptive behaviors” … “In DBT, treatment requires confrontation, commitment and patient responsibility, on the one hand, and on the other, focuses considerable therapeutic energy on accepting and validating the patient’s current condition while simultaneously teaching a broad range of behavioral skills. Confrontation is balanced by support. (Linehan, 1997)

In order to see these passages in the context of our discussion and to ensure we are all on the same page, let us now consider the exact definition of the word manipulate which according to the dictionary is, “to handle or use, esp with some skill, in a process or action.” (“Manipulate,” 1991, 1994, 1998, 2000, 2003) Now let us compare this definition to Marsha Linehan’s DBT treatment model which holds that people with BPD commonly do not have, “many very important capabilities, including sufficient interpersonal skills …” Now I ask you how can people with BPD skillfully manipulate a loved one through suicidal actions when the foremost expert on BPD tells us that people who have BPD by and large lack the interpersonal skills required to be manipulative in the 1st place?

So now that you understand why and how suicidal behavior in response to feelings of abandonment is not equal to manipulation, you may still wonder, why then do I feel manipulated? The reason is that, “when people care about what happens to others, they do not want these others to suffer, but they cannot keep misfortune or suffering from happening; they are likely to blame the victims for their own misfortune and suffering.” (Linehan, 1993 p. 63) In other words, when we cannot stop loved ones from suffering, it causes us to suffer, and therefore, in order to stop our own suffering, which is within our power, we attend to blame our loved one, usually without awareness of the function the blame serves. The result is a “feeling” of being manipulated without necessarily being manipulated. The key to overcoming this misconception is being mindful to emotions and learning how to separate feelings from facts.

I hope that we now agree that people who have BPD and engage in suicidal behavior do not meet the definition of being manipulative, but if you remain unconvinced, well, that is okay too. I do not write to tell you what to think; I write to give you things to think about. Therefore, whatever you may believe let me end my argument kindly that it may open your heart where your mind may resist. Compassion is a powerful medicine that everyone can afford. Compassion has no negative side effects. Compassion is caring even if you are angry, disapprove, or disagree with another’s behavior. Compassion is gentle, firm, true, kind, open-minded, and strong. Compassion is a power that comes from within you.


Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-behavioral treatment of borderline personality disorder (p. 61, 63). New York: Guilford Press.

Linehan, M. M. (1997). Borderline personality disorder. The Journal of the California Alliance for the Mentally Ill8(1). Retrieved June 8, 2013, from

Manipulate [Def. 1]. (1991, 1994, 1998, 2000, 2003). In Collins English dictionary (Complete and unabridged ed.). Retrieved June 8, 2013, from


The fever is spiking as waves roll over me
like paper cranes on a tinsel ocean

The sky is electric convulsive bands of synthetic plastic
thickly coated metallic paint too slick to be believably still

Shocking circuits strike the floor and sounds punch my face
The heat is stifling in the thick, unmoving insulated air
That subtly shifts

As a frequency slashes through seams of thunder
Breaking the floor
Striking dirt with a force that muds my eyes and mouth
With a transient taste of sound sucking paste
Stuck to tonsils of soured songs

How many missions of worshipping Christians can any one heathen live to withstand?

Visits at late
Are an uneasy wait

Laughing with
resisting, revealing, trading, and dealing

Mechanical score
Ear shattering bore
Money is burning
Dizzy, I inch toward the floor

Where is the door?

My ears want to bleed but I am frozen
Witness to the slaughter of delicate sound waves
I am not moving but farther and farther, and farther
I am resisting until I can see and I can no longer hear
How close I am in distance

This passionless vision of canned credibility
And force-fed fat of conscientious cannibalistic ritual
My faithful dreams of luminous organic sounds
Contrast with volts of electrical medicinal humility

This is the moment where music becomes catabolic healing
And tugs at my sleeves and
I succumb to Godless want and fevered desperation
No prospect of salvation

Where illuminations are full of travels and
mirrors reflect images that no on can see
They are tied to souls
Thirst is growing, consuming.
My throat is full of dirt and confusion

A soiled kiss of foul intent and outgrown innocence
What can I believe when the sweet proclamations
I hear are illusions brought by being handicapped with sight?

This contagion will swallow the fever’s flame and
My thoughts attempt to focus on the mirages and
Will them into water that will never be
I am malnourished rationality
Indulged on sugar affected interest and concern

Do you hear me?
But you are not listening.

 photo fire-animation-33.gif

 photo maabc_e0.gif

Like prickly, stickily anger
I experience rage more painful than
Barbed wire bracelets and carnivorous kisses
Crisis calls to fear that looms over me
Like a grizzled shadow, stalking storm clouds, chasing rain.

And I with a fist clenched wrench on a cobbler’s bench
Hammer intensity absent-mindedly into leather soles of
Secondary emotional insulation that cushions
My steps in blistering experiential avoidance

Sifted, drifted, halted, lifted
This fevered irregularity of burning mood & might
Echoes the magnitude of my emotive plight
Through restless sleep and soiled treats
Nightmarish alleys and homeless streets
Sad, anxious, Fear, spins in my brain
Like a drunken flash on a crashing plane

So, on with her head
I think therefore I will accept and
Shed all this suffering so long I have kept
Inward, outward, these emotions flow
Then to my head, a deafening blow

My left ear rings, off the hook for a week
My balance wavers upon unsteady feet
Not cool, not cool at all, that I beat me up.


I am willing, able, and radical for acceptance.

So, I look to self-validate, for a more effective way
To cope with this fire that would fuel shame
Courage I must gather day in and day out
Dialectical abstinence, softens my shout

Poetry is soap that cleanses my skin
Rinses my pain, lets compassion in
Art is the key that unlocks my devotion
And in my breath hovers life infinite as
The power of emotion

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The Pinki Poetry Project: A Lyrical Laboratory

 photo maabc_e0.gif

Like prickly, stickily anger
I experience rage more painful than
Barbed wire bracelets and carnivorous kisses
Crisis calls to fear that looms over me
Like a grizzled shadow, stalking storm clouds, chasing rain.

And I with a fist clenched wrench on a cobbler’s bench
Hammer intensity absent-mindedly into leather soles of
Secondary emotional insulation that cushions
My steps in blistering experiential avoidance

Sifted, drifted, halted, lifted
This fevered irregularity of burning mood & might
Echoes the magnitude of my emotive plight
Through restless sleep and soiled treats
Nightmarish alleys and homeless streets
Sad, anxious, Fear, spins in my brain
Like a drunken flash on a crashing plane

So, on with her head
I think therefore I will accept and
Shed all this suffering so long I have kept
Inward, outward, these emotions flow
Then to my head, a deafening blow

My left ear rings, off the hook for…

View original post 98 more words


tears well up into my eyes
my breath slows
but wants to quicken

my mind wants to wander
away from my body

is a feeling
that I am feeling
right now, and
together they make

my mind wants to
Think no one Likes
or Cares about

the facts say
this is not true

These feelings
I feel
are real

They come
an incoming tide

I cannot stop
the ocean
from churning

Yet, if I am

I can learn
to swim
and Live to see

the tides of
roll back

back into the
stormy sea of

May is Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month!

Marsha Linehan (Left) Rachel Gill (right) at mindfulness training in Vancouver, Wa. April 2013

I may have Borderline Personality Disorder, but Borderline Personality Disorder does not have me. When Marsha Linehan came out about her struggles with mental health problems recently, I was inspired and decided to follow her lead by vowing to become a dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) therapist so that I may help others build lives worth living as Marsha helped me by creating DBT. A few years later, I am now in phase 3 of DBT, coaching my peers online in DBT skills, am a junior in college with honors, have attended a training with Marsha Linehan, and am already well into planning for graduate school.

Why is BPD awareness important? Consider this. It took ten years of misdiagnoses before I became aware of and properly diagnosed with BPD, which ultimately led me to DBT , saved my life, and taught me how to manage the turbulent emotions that are a hallmark of BPD. To make it more clear how profoundly awareness has affected my life consider this. In the years since being properly diagnosed with BPD and becoming involved in dialectical behavior therapy, I went from being chronically suicidal, homeless, and estranged from family and friends to becoming a college student with honors, secretary of a board of directors for a non-profit that provides peer support services to persons with mental health problems, and a dedicated mental health activist who single-handed sued the state of Oregon for denying Medicaid recipients access to DBT, as well as engaging the public as a member of various mental health advocacy organizations. 

Some may think that having the label of borderline personality disorder is a mark of shame, disparaging those who bear the diagnosis by the implicative nature of the term borderline personality itself, but I can honestly say that the day I received the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder was one of the best days of my lives. The reason is that in giving my problems a definite term that before was simply referred to by likewise unaware friends and family as me being a drama queen gave me the information I needed to find dialectical behavior therapy that taught me the skills I needed to stay alive, act effectively, think without unnecessarily judging myself or others and ultimately gave me the power to change my life. For this reason, I want everyone to know that I have borderline personality disorder, and I am not ashamed. Please show your support of May being Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month by sharing my or your own personal story of BPD with friends, family, co-workers, any and all. Where there is an awareness there is hope.

-Rachel Gill (aka Pinki Tuscaderro)

  BPD Survivor

Dedicated to Marsha M. Linehan

Reach for the Sky Week6 10-18-2012

She says to them on her walk,
You need not wring your hands today
I will wring my own for you.

A deep warm feeling spreads from my core
Never have I heard such love and kindness before
The image of a girl flashes; she is barely fourteen
Locked in a ward, the girl looks like me

She tells us
I like to invite them to dance with me
They have so few opportunities
To ever feel connected to others

Step side to side. Turn. Step side to side.

Tears well up in my eyes
I let them slide softly
down my surprised cheeks
like unfamiliar visitors,
they move to explore
Its okay to come out
Just remember to pay attention
To where you are: here, connected
I say to my tears

I notice my lips begin to
curve upward at the corners
an unusual pair, tears and a smile
And, yet, here I am with
no borders, no lines
no Judging designs

I am here, now.
I realize it is where I have always been
And know it is where I will always be

Step side to side. Turn. Step side to side.

These tears are not for anger
These tears are not for bitterness
These tears are not for fear
These tears are not for shame
These tears are for grief
for every person who has ever
felt disconnected, abandoned, alone

I have an urge to console my pain
It startles me like a loud knock at the door
I answer it, saying to my pain
I am sorry that I hurt you
for leaving you locked out in the cold
I am sorry that I punished you
and did not care what you feel
I say to myself

Step side to side. Turn. Step side to side.

she says,
Now, it is time to dance together
invite anyone you like, dead or alive
Compassion invites me
I invite myself, my mother, father, and sisters
I invite everyone in the room
all in front, back, and those surrounding me
I invite all whom I ever loved and lost
I invite all who ever felt pain in response to my actions
I invite all those whose actions ever caused me pain

I invite all the souls this world has ever lost
to suicide, neglect, indifference and/or abuse
I invite all those who are and who have ever
been removed from society for a state of mind.
I invite all those who continue to insist that
seclusion leads to more safety that suffering.

Step side to side. Turn. Step side to side.

wonder Grief, acceptance, gratitude
Grief, wonder acceptance gratitude

My lips tilt upward at the corner
Though there are tears in my eyes
A hundred souls, a hundred hugs
thirteen thousand and three days
to find and accept that I am me

Step side to side. Turn. Step side to side.
Thank you, compassion, for dancing with me.


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